Two of the selections here, "I Don't Do B and E's", and Laundry Bag, Pipe Bomb", are from the book, "Papa, Did We Break It?"
(Which you should buy: http://bellowphone.com/writings.html)

The rest are stories that I add and change up in no particular order, so check back now and then, and scroll around. Leave a comment, for cryin' out loud.

Besides the poems and the obvious parodies, all the experiences that I relate here happened just as I tell them, as near as I can remember.

Current Optical Theory

    It is well known that one cannot see as well at night, as one can during the day. What follows is a theory which may help to understand this phenomenon.
    During the day, the optical beams emitted from the eye pass easily through the rarified aether, and upon reverberation back into the eye, an image is formed. However, as nightfall begins, there is a cascading descent of myriads of darktons (this is, literally, the fall of night). These descending particles being dense, they render the aether into a viscous medium which inhibits the passage of eye-beams. Ergo, one's vision becomes less keen at night.
    The fall of darktons slows and stops by midnight, and the particles are gradually absorbed by the ground and and other objects (this accounts for why it is impossible to see through a rock). The rising of the sun, with its powerful rays, completes the dissolving and absorption of the remaining darktons, and one's eye-beams can once more penetrate through the aether without impediment.


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3 comments:

  1. As an associate editor for the Journal of Visualized Experiments, I can assure everyone that this is all true.

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  2. This interesting theory is reminiscent of one attributed to Michelangelo in a paper of 1983. The attribution was made by Lorenzo de Medici during a conversation he was having with Leonardo da Vinci.

    The paper's relevant excerpt follows:

    "[Lorenzo said] 'He explained it all clearly to me one day. Michelangelo says that we all have an invisible radiance beaming from our eyes, like light from a beacon. He calls this radiance "sight rays." They shoot from our eyes and illuminate everything we set our eyes upon. We become connected to objects by means of sight rays, thus allowing the objects' images to cross the rays, like sheep crossing a bridge, and enter our eyes. That is how we see." Lorenzo's eyebrows were raised. What could be simpler, his expression seemed to ask.

    "Now Leonardo did roll his eyes. Twice. 'Forgive me, Lordship, but that's ridiculous. If beams shoot from our eyes, then why can't we see at night or in a darkened room?'

    "'You're testing me, right, Leo? Well, you haven't stymied me; I know the answer.

    "'The sun is like a magnet, and the sight rays are like iron filings. The sun draws them from our eyes, like a magnet draws iron filings. When the sun is down, only the moon is left, but the moon is a much less powerful magnet, drawing only a small amount of sight rays from our eyes. That is why it is dark at night. Candles are less powerful yet than the moon, and seem very dim unless we move our face very close to them, in which case we burn our nose.'

    "'It's all very simple, really.'"

    One wonders, is your theory simply the independent rediscovery of a principle that was postulated years ago?

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